On top of an interesting season of life, it has been an extremely interesting month, which I intend on sharing more about in another post. I haven’t quite had the words, time to reflect, and/or energy to write a new entry. It is funny, when I have the time, my brain isn’t in working order. When my brain is finally firing on [most] cylinders, it’s at 3AM and I should be sleeping. Up to this point, I was merely making mental notes on thoughts, questions, epiphanies, and humorous moments to reflect and expound upon at a later time. But today, I was challenged by a dear friend to write two blog posts. I agreed. As I thought about it, I knew one post would be easy as there was a pointless story about a late night drive and a frozen lock that I wanted to share. But the other things I have been mulling over are multiple day writing affairs, but I have to start somewhere. I decided those mental notes needed to become actual notes, so my other post would be a list of topics and questions swirling inside my head. I hope to write more extensively over the course of the next few weeks. Sure. I’ll shoot for that. :)
- Faith. Am I choosing joy? Would that decision change my perception of the season I am in…would I view this as a season of wilderness or as a season of growth? Or both? Why do I look at growth as being an easier, positive thing than the wilderness? Am I practicing the principle of surrender or do I have a false sense of surrender and have really given up due to exhaustion? How am I glorifying God? Has my relationship with Christ changed recently? If so, how? How has my relationship with Christ changed since my brain injury five years ago?
- Existential. How have I changed? Who am I? What I am focused on? What is distracting? Am I making a difference? Do I matter? Do I need to matter? What am I afraid of? What defines my womanhood?
- Health. Why am I so exhausted? Why have I spent all of 2016 sick? Why am I trapped in a 93-year-old body? Who is going to take care of me when I am older and falling apart? Why can’t my body get with the program?
- Control. How do I respond when I have to relinquish control? Why are some areas of life easier to let go of control than others? What happens if I don’t have control? If I REALLY can’t control anything, why do I get surprised or stressed out when life happens? When I know freedom is at the other end of letting go, why do I choose to hold on?
- Death. What was the first death I experienced? How did that play a role in how I view, experience, feel, and think about death as an adult? Why do I fear it, even as a believer?
- Friendship. Did my first experience of death of a loved one impact how I make friends? Keep friends? Invest in friends? Who are my closest friends? What friendships am I investing in? Does this have a positive return? Do I truly let people in?
- Time. Why is time flying by so quickly? How am I using my time? How can I better manage my time?
- Priorities. Am I being intentional? Are my priorities in areas that have a lasting impact? How are my boundaries doing with work? What time do I spend at work that should be spent elsewhere?
- Self-care. Why haven’t I been inspired to create recently? Why can’t I follow-through? I have all the tools – why don’t I have the drive?
- Leadership. How can I lead a team when I feel so ill-equipped and tired? How could I be a better leader? What should I be doing differently?
- Solitude. Am I disciplined in this weird season of solitude? Am I wasting it when I could be investing in it? What is the difference between solitude and being alone? Am I better alone?
- Dogs. Why can’t I get a dog? Why shouldn’t I get a dog? Why can’t I bring a dog to work each day?
- Food. Why do I love donuts, cupcakes, and bacon so much? Dumb question. They’re delicious and I can.
- Vulnerability. What does it mean to be vulnerable? Do I view vulnerability as weakness? Why is it easier to “bare all” online where anyone in the world can see posts, but a face-to-face conversation about who knows what can feel intolerable? Is vulnerability a common denominator to many of the topics listed above? Would I live a more God-honoring, fulfilling, challenging, difference-making, impacting life if I was more vulnerable? Who can I process all this stuff with?
In conclusion, I don’t believe I am a crazy person. That is debatable. But I have had a few unforeseen weeks of solitude recently. Topics I either wanted to avoid or was too busy to address are now at the forefront of my mind. I long to be the person that God created me to be and in that, I know reflection, introspection, self-awareness, and vulnerability will be a significant part of my shaping. Only until the last day or so have I understood that this time of “rest” is a tool the Lord is using to grab my attention. I pray I don’t thwart it. Now, go read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown and start creating your own list.